Thankspigging 2012

Geared up...

I love the Thanksgiving. What a great holiday! Let me help you walk through how incredible Thanksgiving is so you can appreciate this awesomest of awesome holidays. Too many people waste their time thinking about Black Friday, Christmas, getting the tree up and a myriad of other way too stressful moments of the holiday season to sit back, pound some adult beverages, stuff your face, oh the face stuffing! and watching football while succuluntly surplanted on the well used American behind (I love this country!).  Allow me to take you on the journey of Spiegelhoff ThanksPigging, the greatest of great American holidays. 

It all starts with pajamas.  Do you think the Pilgrims pressed their shirts before making nice with the neighbors and feasting on the local wildlife? No, they woke up in feety pajamas, started a fire and grabbed a bottle of home-made-presumably-corn-infused-whiskey (I love America!) and enjoyed a sip before watching their favorite team dominate (Go Pack Go!) or a team they despise (Lions?? - it's just a minor subliminal suggestion, a major one would've been the Bears!) lose.  It's Thankspigging people! 

This is where the outstanding grocery shopping comes in.  If you don't have an entire feast of appetizers for Thankspigging you have failed, my friend.  Thankspigging is about calorie intake.  You need 56 ounces of peanut M&M's for your guests.  Pie!  Lots of pie!  Candy, chips, dips, more candy and chocolate.  Have some chocolate!  Guests and family want to come to your house and eat until they burst.  Make them comfortable so they don't have to be embarrassed when it happens, as in, start your day by hosting in your sweats.  Believe it!  Which, brings me back to pajamas.  Don't waste your time dressing in your Sunday's best.  This is Thursday!  They made this magnificent holiday on a Thursday so you can save that pressed shirt for Sunday.  Pilgrims - we'll always be indebted to our forefathers.

So we start with a handful of deliciousness; taco dip, nothing says I'm thankful like taco dip, followed by an alarming amount of Wisconsin cheese even by dairyland standards, your typical chips and chili cheese dip, some shrimp (we can still pull this off in Wisco right?), and finally some deftly deviled eggs.  Oh, my lord!  Can I get an amen!?! 

Thankspigging is in full motion. The sweet potatoes have been sweetened, the potatoes have been sufficiently smashed and the gravy was proficiently doused with a brimming amount of culinary homage to Mr. Gobbler.  At this point the Lions are losing by 17, the turkey's bouquet of odoriferous seasonings has even the most arduous vegetarian begging for a nibble of nefarious nectar.  It's time to take your Wisconsin or Packer's, as the case may be, apron off and begin the delectable Thankspigging binge. Oh, how I do love America.

Prom for Dudes - Part I

Shedding a Packer tear...

Stumbled upon the greatest moment in Wisconsin Man-hood; Prom for Dudes.  I might be a little older than your typical prom goer, but trust me I had more than enough enthusiasm to best the most copious hormonal junior in High School.  I fell backasswards into a man's dream; I discovered the quarter life man's prom.  It all started with a coworker that held the holy grail of Wisconsin, Packer's season tickets.  Now, these weren't just any old tickets. These were tickets passed down through generations until they fell into that lovely, soon to retire lady that sits behind me at work.  These were 50 yard line seats in row 45. I had one day to purchase these sweet sweet sirens of the north.  I didn't even have to work some crappy $4.50 an hour job over the summer to come up with the scratch.  Being old has a few advantages. 

The plan was set.  I invited my wife, a fail safe, to get away with nearly anything yet still behave myself well enough to stay out of the clink for the evening.  Curiously, the Packers have a policy that if you are intoxicated you will be asked to leave the game "if your intoxication results in irresponsible behavior."  Oh, Wisconsin, you're so true to your German roots.  To seal the deal we went with some college friends to ensure an awe-inspiring good time.  And there is one thing about old skool friends that now have kids too - you don't waste opportunities like Prom for Dudes.  They took the initiative to rent a limo.  Now, that's some terrifyingly formidable friends.  We're not talking about some pansy limo, AKA a van with some loser driver, we're talking a stretch 13 passenger Chrysler 300 pimp-mobile with a driver named Big Poppa.  Kablamo!

It was daylight savings the Saturday before, which meant I would lose an extra hour of sleep because a man can't sleep when the next day is Prom for Dudes.  We went out on Saturday night for a steak dinner to get the proper base. I awoke at 2, 3, 4, and finally just threw in the towel at 5 and got up. (You know a typical day at the Spiegelhoff household). The limo arrived a little before 7am.  Me, already dressed in head to toe green. Was it too early for face paint?  Wife, shaking head in disapproval.  Me, Prom for Dudes!!  We took great pains to pack the limo's trunk, front seat and 4 of the unnecessary 13 seats with coolers, bags, grills, chairs, two tailgating tables (believe it) and 4 pounds of bacon-cheddar-jalapeno-brats.  Did I mention the limo driver was in a tux?  He knew it was Prom for Dudes.  Seriously, I can't even make this stuff up!  Simply put this was going to be an epic adventure. We hit the road by 7 and opened the first bottle of champagne for breakfast.  See, there was something for the wives.  Wasn't this just like the honeymoon? Limo, champagne...!?!  Oh, Prom for Dudes, how I love the way you treat a man.

Flyover for National Anthem...pretty sweet

The champagne was quickly washed down with delicious green and gold jello shots.  Say it with me, Go-Pack-Go! I wonder if one could get a job being a Prom for Dudes planner.  Hmmm, whole new career on the horizon?  The limo ride quickly got us to Lambeau Field (say with a really deep voice and all kinds of dramatics).  It was a crisp radiant morning; a perfect autumn day for football.  The kind of day where you grab a Sprecher out of the cooler by 10 and say, "Man, this is an exceptional day to be a, DUDE!"  We got the grill started, threw the kraut on and started the baggo tourney.  We might have been making a little bit of a scene, taking up 2 tailgating spots with the limo and all but let's face it, this was Prom for Dudes! 

After pounding three courses of meat, cheese and a delicious assortment of Wisconsin's finest adult beverages we made our way through the turnstiles.  I decided, with so many layers on, but no coat, (I'm a man baby!) I would smuggle in a handful of jello shots.  I totally underestimated security upon walking in, which turned out to be legitimate 5-0.  Captain crime fighter grabbed a hold of my pouch, which was laced with gloves hoping to cover up the offending contraband, but alas this donut commander had me dead to rights.  The fuzz asks, "what's that?"  Me, "(sheepishly and my best confused look) uhhhh, jello shots (incredulously???)" Po-Po, "ah, forget it, just go."  Me, "ahahahahahahaha....Prom for DUDES!!!!" The legend continues! 

I'll leave Part II for tomorrow...