Signs your wife is out of town

This week Carrie and Q left at dawn on Monday morning, which was a change of pace. I am not understanding the effects of being alone with nobody around but the NFL network and Lucky. Here are a few observations I have made this week with the absences of Carrie an Q.

Apparently, the house does not magically clean itself. This whole time I assumed some maid just took care of this task but after two days at home I can attest this is not the case. I have left numerous times hoping to reenter the house cleaner than I left it but to no avail. I now understand the house does not magically clean itself when you leave on a business trip. I am not missing anything right? There isn't a secret password or something is there? I googled it and came up with nothing.

I have eaten pizza five of the last six days. No that is not a typo. I thought pizza night was a once in a week event but after spending the weekend eating pizza and the week days and the weekends and the week days I now realize that frozen pizza may represent all 8 food groups. That is how many food groups there are right? I am not sure how to work that machine people refer to as a stove if there isn't something frozen to put inside. If I did I would like some pasta and maybe some chicken. I keep hoping but I keeping getting pizza. Is there an instructional manual? Maybe my wife has it. I can't find it anywhere.

We are out of coffee. I sleep four hours a night. I need a pot of coffee. I'm not sure how one procures coffee but I am pretty sure it just shows up next to the coffee pot in its neat little container. I like Starbucks. At this point I will settle for Folgers. Does that guy from Venezuela just show up at your door on the donkey with the kind of coffee you like? Seriously, where does this much needed staple come from? How do I get a hold of the guy on the donkey? I think his name is Juan. If you see him let him know I am looking for him.

Laundry is stacking up. I thought I paid good money for this laundry machine. Why isn't it doing my laundry? I keep throwing my clothes in the laundry basket but I am not seeing any new clean clothes in my closet. I have a Kenmore. Do I need to call the maintenance guy? Maytag? Do I have the wrong brand?

Clearly, I am lost. The only thing I do know is I am watching a lot less wheel of fortune and a lot more of ESPN. So apparently the TV is fixed. That's all I know. If you see my wife let her know she needs to call some repair people. Oh ya, and tell her to come home!