Homicide in the Aquarium

When we moved to Cedar Rapids we didn't know the area very well and wanted to rent for a few months before we chose a neighborhood to permanently (does that even mean anything any more with the job market?) live in.  As our handshake lease draws to a close and we still enter room after room with our lives neatly packed in moving boxes we decided to at least get the fish tank up and running.  I've had this aquarium since I was in high school and it has made the tour around the country.  It was first a salt water tank, which was ultimately deemed expensive and a lot of work to maintain.  Upon moving to college it was a giant paperweight filled with rocks and fake fish.  People loved it and rarely realized those fish were plastic. It went to Boston and I moved so often there that I never set it up and it truly was a paperweight.  Finally, upon entering Florida we filled it with many different kinds of fish and it became our entertainment.  You throw a big fish in there, add little fish and you have a localized and I might add extremely entertaining version of Jaws. Don nuh, don, nuh, don nuh ahhhh!

Next step is stocking it with cheap exotic fish. I head out to the local mom and pop pet store and am grabbing one of these, one of those, give me that big guy over there, oh and that one there too.  Yup, I'll take those.  "Okay," the guy says and, "How long has your tank been up?"  Um, about five minutes? Ya, well, you can't just throw these guys in there.  Hmm, always worked before.  Nope, you have to buy these guppy things to get your nitrogen, oxygen, blah, blah, blah mix right.  Okay, so after throwing in nemo and company for 6 weeks my water should finally be right and I can start buying "real" fish.  So I go back with the kids.  The kids love this place because they have their pet parrots and I mean legitimate I went to the rain forest and all I got was this 7 foot parrot parrot.  They have four or five of them and they will mimic you all the way to tone.  This little girl was in there, maybe 8 or 9 and she had this high pitch laugh and the parrot would laugh just like her including the pitch.  Polly want a cracker?  I digress. Anyway I buy the "expensive" fish and Quinny is digging it.  Every night he's kissing the fish goodnight and looking for the "big one." 

Then one day we look in the tank for the "big one" (let's call him Jimmy) and Jimmy turned up all bloated on the side of the fake plastic log that provides the tank with ambiance.  Do you think the bala sharks got em' and dumped the body near the log as a hiding spot?  Was it a homicide? How do you tell your two year old that ol' Jimmy headed down to Davy Jones' locker?  After a brief investigation we chalked it up to old age. He was in the tank for about two weeks.  The next day one of the sharks kicked the bucket.  Now, we were worried.  How does one solve a serial killer mystery working inside a fish tank? We don't even own a cat.  Another body, another explanation.  Ya, ya the shark wanted to see the Jimmy so he kicked it too and now they are in fishy heaven.  Ya, it's a happier place where they can swim as far as they eye can see - with no predators!  This parenting this isn't really all that hard.  Day 3 of the death spree and another shark bellies up.  Someone is making fish food of these, um fish.  I'm really running out of happy stories so for this death we went for adventure.  How about we fish (more puns!) this sucker out of here and flush em!?  Ya, we haven't done that before.  So we get the shark out of the tank and toss em in the toilet. Quinny asks why he's not swimming. Don't worry about it.  Just flush and enjoy the swirling.  He's swimming now isn't he?!  Fast too!  In circles! Wa-hoo this is fun!

30 bucks later we head back to the fish store.   See, we're all out of fish now and need to restock.  We buy everything we used to have and fill the tank up again.  Apparently the serial killer was still hiding in the aquarium because I came home this afternoon from work to take Stinks to the vet and 3 more bodies!  It's a conspiracy! After a bit more flushing I'm thinking to myself out of all the things I decided to unpack I had to choose this one.  Then I read an article that said the average, and I stress average, amount US parents spend to raise a child to 18 excluding college tuition is $286,000.  I just dropped $30 in fish twice, so apparently I only have $285,940 left to spend on Quinny.  And throw some college tuition in there too.  Then add Gavin.  People wonder why you don't have 11 children anymore.  Secretly, though, we are still planning on 11-12 ($3,146,000 - $3,432,000 in rearing said children expenses).

Interestingly enough if you include college you are pushing $500,000.  So that begs the questions that if I could get these kids back in the womb would I then have a $1,000,000 in disposable cash income?  That's an interesting choice and certainly not one shared during the marriage process.  I think the next card I hand out at a wedding is going to disclose this fact with my check tucked inside.  That could go all to you and your new spouse or you could have a child and give it and its 286,000 friends to your beautiful endless hours of bundle of joy.  Let those newlyweds give that some thought.  No, no couldn't be happier. The terrible twos are awesome!  You'll love it!  Have 10! Or 11?

Roomba!

This Christmas we got an interesting gift.  For those of you that don't know our son loves cleaning.  I mean absolutely loves cleaning.  Give him a cloth and he's a dusting machine.  He wakes up in the morning and immediately runs to the closet to pull out the vacuum.  It's scary how much he loves to clean.  Is there anyway possible he will hang on to this fetish?  We've already discussed financing a successful janitorial business.  A recession proof janitorial business.  We have two vacuum's and Quinny received his very own for Christmas for a total of 3.  This Christmas we received an irobot roomba.  The whole concept is insane.  Really?  A robot is going to clean my house while I sit on my duff and watch football all day?  Really?  Come on man.  Wouldn't everyone already have one of these things?  We've been in love with a Dyson.  I mean look at this thing.  I am pretty sure if the astronauts need to vacuum their space shuttle this is what they use. But look at that price tag!?  You are definitely paying for the carbon fiber or tornado mechanism or German engineering of whatever makes that thing cost a month's paycheck.  Can one have vacuum envy?  Quinny can.

So we received the irobot roomba for Christmas.  We didn't know what to think. The concept sounded awesome.  If this thing was really going to clean my house while I went to work or simply invited people over and drank cocktails while watching it clean our house purely for entertainment than I imagine we would already have one or you would. Shouldn't you already have one?  So in the box it sat as we contemplated if such an invention could really exist.  As we pondered the technology of 2010-11 the days poured by. Finally, a Saturday arrived and I was on the floor playing with Lucky.  It was a dirty floor.  And then I looked under the couch. Wow, that was nasty.  We have a giant hairy dog and that is about 99% of the nastiness under the couch.  It was the kind of under the couch that if you stuck your arm under you may never get it back.  A nest of raccoons very well could've been living a pleasant little existence under there.  A moment of clarity.  A light bulb suddenly turning on and Aha!  We have a robot that wants to clean our house including under the couch, bed and other places one doesn't go without a haz-mat suit.

It was time.  It was time to see if the fantasy in a box, no not that fantasy, the cleaning fantasy was true.  It was really too simple.  I had to take it out of the box and press the button strangely labeled "clean."  What strides we have made Hoover!  This thing works.  I'm telling you I don't know how and I don't know why you don't have one but it works. And, and this really is the best part.  It's so cool you can have an actual cocktail party just to watch it clean your house.  Seriously, you can.  If you don't believe come over.  I'll provide a beer and you too can be memorized for hours.  You'll be sitting on the bar stool in the kitchen looking incredulous, while enjoying your adult beverage asking inane questions like, "So you really don't have to do anything?  It just cleans your whole house while you sit here?"  Yup.  "It doesn't get stuck, run out of batteries or suck up your cords it runs over?" Nope.  "So you just sit here and have a beer while it runs watching the Packers make their way into the NFC Championship?"  Yup.  "How come I don't have one?"  Exactly.

This is great right?  I mean what about this story isn't great?  It turns out our son, the same son that adores cleaning is deathly and I mean deathly afraid of Mr. irobot cleans the house while you sit on your duff vacuum cleaner.  Noooooooooooooooo!  Say it ain't so!  He won't step foot on the ground.  It's not even on anymore and he won't get off the couch - for 2 hours!  He's shaking.  He's crying.  He's not happy about a robot doing the chores.  Ironically, Lucky, didn't even notice.  The dog is sleeping on the floor while the vacuum walks right up to him (walk is the right word right?) and starts vacuuming his hair.  Are you saying this thing stops vacuuming the floors to groom my dog?  Seriously, we're ready to buy another one.

I'm crushed.  I don't even know what to do.  I was so cynical such a thing could exist and I now I'm a believer, a sponsor and my kid, my wonderful kid who is so passionate about cleaning says thanks but no thanks?  Why is life so unfair?  Why do the cleaning gods mock me?  How can I possibly get around this?

When one discovers such a wonderful tool they don't sit idly by.  They don't let cleaning fantasies slip through their fingers like sand. They get creative.  They bribe their children like any good parent would.  So I offered up cookies - just to touch it. I'll give you a cookie if you touch the vacuum.  Nope.  He wasn't buying it. But he really wanted that cookie.  Minutes passed than hours. He still wanted that cookie.  What does my little genius of a boy do?  He goes downstairs and grabs the traditional vacuum.  I'm touch it Daddy!  I'm touching it! Cookie?!?  You've got to be kidding me!?  Outsmarted by a two year old.  Fine.  Here's your cookie, but we're keeping it anyway. We've resigned to run it while he's at school.  Buy one. Seriously, you'll love it.

Family Saturday

I have been traveling both the last two weeks and hit the road again on Monday so Carrie has been a single parent for the majority of 2011 while juggling a new job and going back to work full time.  Yes, she is super mom.  Thus, we dubbed Saturday Family Day.  We would do it all as a fam.  Her younger brother turned 18 this week so we needed to shower him with our best birthday wishes and headed up to the 'Loo on Saturday.  Becoming an adult is not always easy and Uncle Andrew found out some of the cons of adulthood yesterday.  He was running some errands around town and something sounded funny in the engine.  Do you remember the Beast of Bellingham oaks?  It turns out it was living under the hood of Andrew's car.  Fortuitously the car came to a squealing halt (I do mean squealing) in a Dairy Queen parking lot.  It's the middle of winter, but still, if you're going to get stranded I suppose a DQ is as good of a place as any to get stranded.  After taking a peek under the hood and seeing a paw with sizable claws it was ultimately determined that this wasn't the horse power looking back at him.  A tow truck was summoned. 

Q putting his shoes on Gavin

Calling for a tow truck is like calling the cable guy.  Sure they provide you a four hour window that they'll be at your house, but we both know they won't actually make that window. They will be at a minimum 90 minutes outside that arbitrary time slot. (Seriously, how is that the only "customer service" business that doesn't have any service yet still manages to have a thriving business)?  Brett, the eldest brother, went to help our newly minted adult.  Three dilly bars, two peanut buster parfaits and one strawberry shake later, the patriarch heads out to see where our now three companions are stranded in that DQ desert seemingly with no way out.  What's that you say?  The tow truck just called and said they'll be there within 30 minutes.  Ha!  Good one!  One of the errands our just turned 18 brother-in-law was running was picking up the grub for his own party.  One wouldn't want to sound selfish in the moment of another's birthday party, but we're turning ravenous for the food at this point.  It's nearly 3pm.  Alas someone, our beloved Poppa, finds his way out of the DQ parking lot without indulging in all the blizzard treats, although, he did return with an ice cream cake, with dinner in hand.  The rest of the search party was still patiently waiting for the two truck.  Within the hour all had returned in good spirits, all things considering.  And with that I wish Andrew a welcome to adulthood and a Happy Birthday!  Your present will be coming in the form of the bill on Monday.  You just can't catch a break and no time to find that out than the minute one turns 18.  In all seriousness, that's covered by insurance right?  Take your beast to the taxidermist and place it above the mantle as human revenge.

That was the beginning of family day.  After indulging in tons of food, cake and the first half of the Steelers game it was time to venture, as a family, to a restaurant to join some companions to watch the Packers explode onto the playoff scene.  We are off the bah and Quinny has done an amazing job.  It hasn't been easy per se but it's been easier than I expected.  He has the toughest time in the twilight hours when he's in between dinner but not quite ready for bed yet.  He was a little crabby in the car ride home, but Carrie calmed him down into a short nap before arriving back in the CR.  I think we surprised our friends when we walked in with the brood but it was family day. They had just forgotten to read the memo.  We got through dinner pretty admirably and were nearly through the first half of the Packer game when Quinny started to lose it.  To be fair we were there for about two hours and it was a good hour past his bed time.  He showed off is unbelievable eating skills, which impressed our friends. To put things in perspective let me give you his breakfast yesterday; 4 pancakes, bowl of cereal with raisins, applesauce, banana and blueberries.  At dinner he polished of mac n' cheese, another soup cup of applesauce and started going after our plates including our friends'.  Professional eater within our mix?

Q breaking into to Daddy's toolbox

Gavin, well that kid has been great.  He slept all the way home, through the whole dinner and didn't wake up until after we got Q tucked into bed.  We've been sleeping pretty well around here.  Q, I think is officially over the hump.  He no longer cries in the morning when he wants up.  He tosses and turns and just sort of hangs out in his crib until someone gets him.  Get this - it's not until 7:30. 7:30 am!  Upon waking up at 7:30 Saturday morning Carrie and I looked at each other and remarked it had been years, roughly 2 1/2 years since we had slept in that late.  It was a great feeling.  Gavin has been hitting the sack around 10pm and has been sleeping until about 5 for a feeding and then back down until after we get up so it hasn't been too bad for Care either. 

By 9pm family day had come to a close.  It was the first time we all went out in public together.  We survived and had a really good day.  Here are a few pics on some of the adventures I've been missing out on with my recent travels.  

Update on the Bowl for Kid's Sake.  I'm making some progress.  Thanks for those that have generously donated thus far.  You can see my updated thermometer progress here.  Only a few weeks left!

Bowling for Kids Sake

As we assimilate into our local community we decided to hook up with Big Brothers, Big Sisters of Cedar Rapids to help raise funds for the children in our community.  I am donating my athletic prowess (dripping with sarcasm) for an afternoon of bowling with fellow teammates to raise funds.  Overall the Bowl for Kids Sake hopes to raise in excess of $350,000 this year.  My team, Split Happens, hopes to be just a small part of this important goal.  To date I have been ferociously practicing on the Wii where interestingly enough I am the proud record holder of most splits in a game with 11.  (I picked up the split spare in the tenth frame only to bowl the "extra" ball into yet another split.  It's a talent people).


SteeeeRIKE!



Since my network of Iowans is small I have set my personal goal to raise $250.  I hope to exceed that goal or even double it but I since I haven't participated before I didn't really know where to begin.  I am confident I can roll better than a 125 and will not embarrass myself, for my own kids sake.  If you are interested in donating or simply monitoring me or my team's progress you can visit my personal web page here.  The page provides an honor roll of donors, a place to make a donation online or a form to print out if you wish to donate in another manner.  It costs $1,000 a year to match one little boy or girl with a big brother or sister and it provides children with important role models.  I hope the event and cause interests you or if you just think watching me attempt a "strike pose" is hilarious feel free to kick in a few bucks.  All donations make a difference!  Thanks in advance for your moral support!  The event takes place February 15th so please visit our page before then.  I now leave you with a picture of me practicing.  Clearly, you would be backing a winner!

As we move through the fundraising process I'll send out periodic updates.  And if you want a piece of me on the Wii while I continue to practice let me know and I'll find you online.  I'll see you at ten pin alley. And yes that's my dog's booty, or as I like to call him, Coach, in the picture.

Where have I been?



That speck middle left is our mailbox - Xmas Eve snow storm



O Mr. Blog where have you been hiding? With all the holidays - 7 Christmases, count em' seven! And the travel that goes along with them plus the hosting of my own conference this week I haven't been very good at updating the blog, obviously.  Well, there was that and the 5 days of mourning required for losing a Rose Bowl.  The first such loss since 1953. So let me post the family's New Year's Eve Resolutions.

Chicago December 2010



Carrie -  According to my wife (not sure how I missed this over the last 7 years we've been together) but apparently she doesn't make NYE resolutions.  So, allow me.  She is using 2011 to dedicate more time to cooking and cleaning.  These are two of her favorite things to do and she just didn't spend enough time doing them in 2010.  Of course I'm kidding.  She wants to shovel more, lots more.  Alright, alright I mean she's going to spend more time pampering herself.  She has a goal to get to the Cedar Rapids' Ritz Carlton spa once a month for all of 2011.  They serve the best and I mean the best caviar while getting a stone massage.

Gavin - He cooed he to me that he would begin to sleep through the night.  He promised.  He's currently trending the other way.  We think this might swing into Quentin territory but are holding out hope he figures out that nighttime is meant for dreaming.  That is one serious resolution we hope comes blissfully true.

Dad - Dear old dad hopes he gets to spend more time at home.  Ironically moving to corporate HQ has actually taken family time away.  I don't travel to CR anymore but I'm gone before the kids get up and return only to see them for about 90 minutes before they hit the sack.  I still have numerous travel obligations but since I'm flying out of a small airport travel times have increased as direct flights have decreased.  Well, there's that and the deicing.  So I am hoping to be much more efficient with my trips and to limit them to overnights if possible so the boys and that wonderful wife of mine can spend more quality time together.  I also promise to never allow Bucky to lose to a non-AQ school in any bowl game again.

Making cookies (and then eating them)

Quinny - Quinny had a serious lengthy list so we had to explain to him it was unlikely he would be able to accomplish all feats.  Instead he should choose a couple and focus on those.  Ultimately he decided to give up his bah (pacifier) and use it only for sleeping for now.  He did later promise to give it up completely before turning 2 1/2.  He also decided he's ready to transition to a big boy bed.  The first night he promptly fell onto the floor.  At that point dad promised to buy him a child railing thingy to keep him firmly in the bed.  Kids, you have to love them and their courage.

Best gift ever! Vacuum!!

We actually caught Quinny slamming three cookies for breakfast one morning.  I have mixed emotions about buying him that stool that now allows him to get into everything! Quinny loves vacuum cleaners and is constantly getting ours out of the closet at 6 am as in the first thing he does when he gets up.  We were happy to have a smaller one for him to play with.  There is also a photo of the 9+ inches that we received on Christmas Eve.  It snowed for about 30 straight hours.  Shoveling is so awesome.  And Carrie and Gavin posing in front of the tree in our Michigan Ave. Chicago hotel lobby.  We shopped until we dropped.  Enjoy!